During the days leading up to Christmas, I finally went through with a project that I had been teasing to do for over a year: watercolor paintings on ceramic tiles. I figured that they would be nice decorative gifts for my relatives. I took the time to apply three thin, even layers of watercolor ground to the tiles, allowed them to cure for forty-eight hours, and enjoyed the process of mixing neutralized shades from palette dirt and painting spontaneous, abstract marks. Two days later, I finished them with wax medium.
I let them sit for a few days, and on Christmas morning I placed each tile into a box with protective padding and my business card. Then, I put them all into a larger box and set that at the bottom of a large tote bag. All I had left to do was hand them out to everyone. No problem, right?
Eh. When I arrived at my relatives’ house, I was in no hurry to do anything with my little creations. The evening went on: appetizers, dinner, two movies watched, dessert. Every time I thought about pulling those tiles out, I became nervous and anxious. The voice of self-doubt told me that no one would want my paintings, that it was a dumb idea to make them and offer them as gifts. That story took hold of me, and I believed it. Almost.
The mind did this trick where it made me wonder, “What if nobody likes my paintings?” It went further: “If they don’t like my art, then they don’t like me.” In a recent episode of the Be Ultimate Podcast, Travis Eliot stated the following:
In the Buddhist tradition, these are often labeled as the hindrances, these obstacles that show up along our path of growth and awakening and transformation. And the thing is, is that that’s actually a really good sign when these things come up. If they don’t come up, then that means that we are playing too small.
Well, as I sat there with these thoughts in my head, another voice arose and overpowered the self-doubt. Whether or not anyone likes my art has nothing to do with me and my value as a person. Really, the worst that could happen is that I leave with all of my painted tiles. So, I stood up and brought them out for everyone. And you know what? They were well-received. Even the youngsters claimed some for their apartments.
As artists, we need to remember that our work will appeal to some people—not all, but there will be those who appreciate and admire what we do. We also need to remind ourselves that our happiness and our sense of self-worth are not dependent on others. Once we remove attachment to others’ opinions of us, we can breathe and live more freely, unencumbered. Kyle Buchanan interviewed actor Adam Driver for the New York Times. I found these lines to hold a lot of truth.
I think everybody, in every job, wants validation,” he ultimately said, though he wondered whether that desire could be fraught for actors to acknowledge, since they have little to hide behind. “It’s not separate from who I am,” Driver said. “I don’t have an instrument, I don’t play the cello. It’s yourself, so in a way, it’s more vulnerable.
Driver is, of course, speaking as an actor. His career is one where his physical presence is very much tied to his craft. A primary reason why I shifted away from singing was the level of discomfort I experienced being visible. Sure, there was euphoria from performing an operatic aria and nailing that high C, but deep down I had no desire to be in the spotlight. Photography, writing, and painting ensued, and these media allow me to express myself artistically with a certain level of anonymity. There is a clear distinction between me and what I produce, regardless of how much of myself I pour into my art.
I don’t think insecurities can be eradicated, but as we train our minds to distinguish emotion from what is and strengthen our faith in ourselves, we can manage and limit the effects of self-doubt. In the same podcast episode quoted above, Eliot spoke these words, “Look, you were born to level up. You were born to grow. You were born to reach goals and then to want more. That’s part of our nature.”
I think that’s a good thought to leave off with. So, go and grow… and breathe!
Passing time caring for critters.
Creating while they nap.
