Two days after Puccini’s passing, I regained clarity and focus. A couple of months ago, I thought that I needed to press forward with my art in a different way. I started making changes with domains and site layouts, and then the site went completely stagnant. I cited stressful life events as excuses, but, really, I had dug myself into a hole. I can say that because here I am in the midst of an incredibly painful experience, and I want, need to create!
I need to tell Puccini’s story, as well as those of the others. This, Eat Play Boop, is the creative way forward for me. I feel that deeply now. But I am still living through my grief.
This was the first time that I alone had to make the decision to euthanize. It is normal to look back and question it. Does it change anything? No, but it is the mind’s way of processing. Everyone tells me that I did everything I could have, but that literally and factually is not true. There were a couple of little things I could have tried or pushed for, but I did not. Would any of it have made a difference? Maybe. Maybe not. But reality contradicts the claims people make in order to comfort me.
I made a choice, and no matter how one attempts to rationalize it, it hurts.
This afternoon, I went to Kohl’s to drop off an Amazon return. Afterwards, I walked over to Ulta in the heat with the sun directly overhead. Sure, I could have driven that short distance, but hoofing it on foot seemed like the thing to do.
On the side of the building, I noticed soft violet blooms. I have no idea what they are, but they are common in the area. Their color drew me in. In fact, all I saw were violet flowers against the red bricks. They reminded me of Puccini’s gray coat, which had this lilac undertone. When I stepped over to them for a closer look, a cool breeze brought relief from the heat… and a gentle smile to my face. Puccini.
I was feeling good post-errands until I was told that I need to seek counseling.
Am I experiencing great sadness? Yes. However, I continue to live my days. I tend to the cats. I eat, yoga, sleep, and do all the things that need doing. I am creating again! I look forward to getting up every morning. There is great beauty and lovely people in the world that I want more of in my life. At the moment, crying spells are also a part of my life.
Believe me, I put a pin in counseling when Puccini was first diagnosed. I knew it would be available if necessary, but I am coping.
So, to be told that I need counseling when I had just worked through a wave of emotions by myself and started to feel good again… Well, it annoyed me, but then I realized that this individual is incapable of handing my big emotions. I acknowledge that they cannot provide me with that sort of safe space. I get that their suggestion was out of concern, but my takeaway is to censor my feelings around them.
Everyone grieves and mourns differently. I feel deeply. Others may not understand that or know how to deal with that, but it does not mean that my grief is wrong or unmanageable. I will not be shamed for my tears.
Passing time caring for critters.
Creating while they nap.
