Yesterday, I felt guilty for not crying as much as I had been and for getting along as well as I have been. I finally shared Puccini’s passing with Tanya’s CKD Support Group. I had been avoiding the group for fear of being told that I messed up, essentially confirming that awful feeling that I have been carrying all week.
On the contrary, I received heartfelt emails and have found the group to be a safe space to express my grief. While it does not diminish my heartache, it is comforting to share with others who have been or are going through similar experiences.
This morning, I performed the usual routine, which is not the same without Puccini shadowing me and eagerly asking for her colostrum. Anyway, I was cleaning the litter boxes when I heard, “Ting-a-ling ting-a-ling ting-a-ling ting ting ting-a-ling!” I glanced up and saw Ono prancing around the corner from the stairs with Puccini’s favorite toy—the end of one light blue felt strip in her mouth, the other end attached to a short, red, plastic wand with a second felt strip and a bell—dangling in front of her. Last week, I had tucked it away in a corner of my art desk, and apparently Ono found it. She dropped it in the hallway and batted it around, which caught the attention of Lucky, Mini Grey, and the others.
I grinned. Okay, Puccini, did you have something to do with this?
I went for a walk again tonight. Puccini would have loved all of the activity: birds flitting about, leaves rustling in the wind, bunnies playfully chasing each other in the yards, the melodious calls of the cardinal.
This is the most I have walked in… a year? Two years? It makes me feel close to Puccini.
I did not cry today. I feel guilty about that.
Passing time caring for critters.
Creating while they nap.
